10 Reasons Why One Should Marry a Pinoy Man by Brian Gorrell

1. If you marry a Pinoy man, you will automatically get into heaven I’m told (from a solid source, hahahahaha), because we all know our Filipino boyfriends are closer to the big guy then we will ever be. And we all know that God LOVES his gay boys. Or why else would he have created us? God is not an old white man who hates everyone like the many Catholics would have you believe. Catholics should deal with their own guilt and stop pushing it on us. Let us have our bond with God and go fuck yourselves over your own hang ups in life, because God does not agree with all your hate towards people who are not like yourselves.

Gays rock the world.

God rocks too. He’s like a big bear with that big ol beard of his.Grrrrrrr. Gods hot when he wants to be. He made Jesus hot too. Why is this? God really should have been Pinoy. The whole white thing is a conspiracy. God is the color and sex of each of his creations. And he DOES love his queers. Regardless of what other may think or say.

2.You’ll always save money when checking into a hotel when your boyfriend is a PINOY. In fact, from the day you marry yourPinoy, you will start to save a ton of money. You must let go of your ego and let them haggle until they are blue in the face. While you may hate bargaining because of your Western pride, they see it as a most neccasary sport and they’re so brilliant at it. I’m learning so much from my Pinoy. And I’m saving what little money I have left in the process. Its a win win for us both!

You will not only get TWO more free nights at your hotel, free transport to and from the airport but your ‘continental breakfast’ will magically turn into a buffet breakfast and your drip coffee becomes a latte right before your eyes. When they are through with the front desk, your basically set. So just sit back and relax. Just fucking BRILLIANT. And for this you will only owe him five (yes they milk the massage) back massages and two foot rubs. Fair trade if you ask me.

3. If you manage to lose your sunglasses in the surf, yourPINOY man will spend three hours looking for them rather than buy a new pair. More $$ saving. And when most people will give up and not bother to retrieve them, your Pinoy man will bring them back to you polished and looking better than new. In fact the chips in the rim will be miraculously gone. Spooky indeed. See point #1.

4. They are for the most part, completely hairless. And I’m sorry but that is HOT HOT HOT to the maxi mas supremos! Give me a smooth Pinoy any day over a gorilla.

5. Pinoy guys know how fabulous they are, therefore they will take no shit from their honky man. Pinoy guys have a ‘built in chip’ which prevents them from feeling inferior to anyone on the planet. And this is exactly how it should be. Just because the country is totally fucked up at the moment, it doesn’t mean they have to feel connected to the crap. Pinoy men are very very proud of their country which is wonderful really considering the state of their country. I admire that very much. Stick with it and pray for change. VERY commendable. I’ll have another please! Make it a double.

6. They are insatiable and tend to worship. Enough said on that.

7. Where you may wear a ‘knock off brand’, they would NEVER! WHY? Because they know style and fashion and crave it, so do NOT try to fool them with phony Dior sunglasses, because they will kick your ass with the boot of humiliation. Buying them a fake anything will only get you into trouble and some severe eye rolling on their part (which is very adorable, but embarrassing all the same. So DON’T do it if your smart. Not that I would EVER buy anything fake for my Pinoy. Hehehehe.

8. You can be married to a Pinoy man for many months and still not know how many siblings he has. In fact, unless you ask him, you will never know. The privacy factor is contagious if ones has never been private before. There’s something spectacular about Pinoy men and this weird quirk. If you don’t ask, they will not tell. And we should all take a note from this particular handbook. Giving it all away on the first night or week leaves one with no mystery. And your average Pinoy man is like a Hardy Boys book. A bit mysterious and hilariously predictable, but wonderful to read anyways. Over and over and over again, until you have the book memorized.
And he will ALWAYS be your favorite character.

9. They always seem to have money, even though they claim to be poor. This is an amazing characteristic that I NEED to adopt. The Western way is brag brag brag which is barf barf barf. I have never been a bragger myself, however I do tend to slip off the cliff and talk too much about my things.

10. Your Pinoy boyfriend will never age. No matter how much stress you bring into their lives. They have made a pact with the wrinkle Gods. And us white men can’t get into that club. Its very exclusive. Asians only!

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Thanks for this lovely article that you wrote Brian Gorrell, you are such an inspiration!

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